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How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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