before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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