at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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