you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
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Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
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You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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