literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
