Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
