i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
