turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
