the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
