you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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