I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
