My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
