my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
