I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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