Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
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I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
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don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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