what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
