I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
