that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Someone came in the potted fern
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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