my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
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