i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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