My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
