i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
