Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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