you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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