I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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