also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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