And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
