whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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