I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
