if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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