When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
