Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
