she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I AM VODKA MAN
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
