I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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