Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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