I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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