awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
