He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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