"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
