i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Randomize
