happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
