One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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