I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
