at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
i drank out of a bidet.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
