I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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