I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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