i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
