She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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