i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
