Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
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The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
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I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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