cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
