i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
my shit smells like andre
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
