i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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