some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Randomize
