I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
