i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
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Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
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Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
i am craving dick and cupcakes
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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