i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
