Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
