I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Randomize
