i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
That accounts for only three of the penises
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
