The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
