we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
