apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
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i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
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Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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